QUESTION: “Hi Frank. I had a question for you. My girlfriend is concerned about my career direction. Is there a good career counseling program you would suggest for me?” SH
“Thank you so much for reaching out to me on this issue, I’m sure many readers will get value from your courage and honesty.
I have attached the unfinished manuscript which will be published in the next year, it called “Career Chameleon: Thriving in a New Reality” and i am sure you will find much to move you forward with in this work.
My main issue with your question lies in the subtext or context of the question. I question the wisdom of your lady friend and her “worrying” for you. In my opinion, a partner is there to support us in our journey, not have these unmentioned or unwritten expectations that could put pressure on you. When we meet someone, we should never think in terms of the things we can change in them. If so, move on! Make sure she is not pressuring you as good opportunities never come from desperation. If you would like more information, contact me privately.
By Bronnie Ware (who worked for years nursing the dying)
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others.As a result, they settled for amediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level.Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win. That’s what I’ve been saying!
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Wow, that’s powerful, maybe you should cut it out or copy it, go to the website. I really felt a few twinges when I read that.
Self-Coaching Exercise: After reading this unbelievable information, you need to make a commitment to focus on what matters. Use this as a measuring stick for every decision. Will I regret not trying/doing this? If yes, DO IT!
I thought this week I would share a few tricks I have used effectively to manifest what I wanted.
#1. Create a Vision Board: for yourself with pictures of exotic locations and things, empowering thoughts and sayings. I use newspaper letters to use the fact our subconscious mind believes the printed word. We are visual, seeing what you want helps to show new combinations and relationships.
#2. Create a Purpose for Your Life:
Pick something grandiose, exciting that fits your natural talents and gifts. The key: juicy language and must have vision. Some of the ones on my board are: “I’m a Super Jedi Coach!” and “Frank’s Duty to the world: To Educate, Help (Coach) and Entertain!” Are you the “Wizard of Wall Street” or the “Magician of Merchandising”. It should be a powerful metaphor/image to have power.
#3. Be Authentic and Clear About What You Want!
Be as specific as possible. Most of us send a confused and scattered message to the universe, then we wonder why “our stuff” doesn’t happen or come the way we want. Write exactly what you want! Put it on the vision board! Imagine it done, how will it feel once done. Don’t worry about the “when” and “how”, just “what” and “why”. My example: I am single and want to manifest a magical woman. I created a list of 43 “Must Haves” and “Nice to Haves” in a woman. I am now clear and will put my order out to the universe.
#4. Start Too Many Projects!t
I began 4 or 5 totally unrelated projects at teh same time! This sounds like madness right? I can’t start one and you’re telling me to start many? Exactly, the vision board allowed me to see inter-relationships that I never saw before. When I was bored or frustrated in one, I would move to another to keep excited and creative. Sometimes I took a week off completely. If I didn’t feel like doing it, I didn’t do it! That simple. Now of course I still amde deadlines and commitments. for true creative writing and building you need to be at Contentment (#6 on the emotional scale or higher). Below that, you don’t have access to great answers. It’s better then to go to nature, for a drive, anything else to allow your mind some down time.
#5: Allow Time
Any good farmer knows it takes time for seeds to sprout. Once the seed is planted (your desired outcome) you must water (keep visualizing it as done) and sun (repeat what you want daily and believe it!) plus time. Most people give up just before things start happening! Give it time and remember, religions don’t have a monopoly on faith! Your inner strength is greater than the outside reality.
Question “I have always been highly driven and motivated, both academically and in my personal life. But ever since I finished school for the summer back in April and got this new job working as a cocktail waitress, I find that I have zero drive to do ANYTHING! I find myself sleeping in all day just to wake up to go to work, whereas before I was highly engaged and would correspond with people obsessively, was always reading business blogs and keeping up with current affairs, and was constantly making plans and setting goals for myself. I’m curious, can motivation be affected by environmental factors, such as one’s job, their amount of sleep, their diet, etc? Because all three of these factors have changed drastically within the past few months, but I was always belonged to the school of thought that motivation was an internal drive, one that is an integral part of your psychology and personality, one that cannot be taught or altered. What are your thoughts on motivation, and how can I get my Moho back?! Looking forward to your insights!” KB
Coach Frank’s Answer: Great Question! My readers and listeners are brilliant and I learn so much from you all!
OK, I took liberties with this person (and got clarification) and found some other key facts that will help me frame the issue.
The first obvious point is that you have answered your own question very well in describing the (drastic) changes in your environment over the last few months. You went from an 11 year career as a full time student to working part time at some very different hours, big change. You went from being incredibly secure and safe in your expertise as a brilliant student, now you are in a totally different environment, working crazy hours physically and perhaps are not eating well or exercising to keep the mind and body connection optimized. Just because you are young, slim and never had to work out, it may be time to challenge your body differently.
Another aspect of the change is the type of people you work with and serve in a bar/restaurant. I worked 6 years in the industry and have found that there were a couple of different types of people that worked with me:
1) The student or struggling artist making money to pay bills and pursue their dreams (a stepping stone). For some the stepping stone remains for decades with ensuing bitterness because the lifestyle provides easy/plentiful “right now” cash.
2) What I called industry professionals who are not educated but love the work and take real pride in serving other people and the psychic income of connection and prestige that goes with being in charge of your own group/territory of sales. Additionally bartenders have the “it” factor of being on a pedestal.
So, new environment, rules, hours, diet, people, expectations = New challenges, feelings and growth (in new directions).
Become clear why you are doing this job (the money and social) but have an exit plan and time line. Set a SMART goal. (Not a SMART SERVE GOAL!)
SMART GOALS are Specific, Measurable, Accountable, Resonant, Thrilling
example: “I will save $50 a week for the next 6 months and apply to 10 full time jobs per week with the objective of having a “corporate job” by September 1st,
2011 paying a minimum of $ X”.
Keep adjusting the exact goal until it’s thrilling to you! Otherwise it’s too much work and no fun! I can tell you right now, my bar tending days were some of the best memories I have to this day. You will look back at this period in 20 years and say, that was so fun! WHY WAIT! HAVE FUN AND SAY IT NOW! BE A STUDENT OF THIS NEW EXPERIENCE/ENVIRONMENT!
By doing this you realize that the job now is a VEHICLE to get to your other goals. Also, I would make a game of it, “how amazing can I get by September 1stat connecting with people?”
Another point, be easy in this transition period, I’m hearing you “should over” yourself because you have high standards.
Let us know how you do! Trust who you are and your intuition, follow it and live!
Question: Do you ever feel that way? Where people look at you funny because of your zest for life? If so how do you deal with it? SLM
As per usual, great question asked at the perfect time for all.
I find it ironic that in a world where everyone is trying so hard to be different via , tattoos, cars, designer apparel, etc. that where we really are different, our personalities, live view and joy levels, judgment finds us everywhere, sometimes especially with our friends and family.
So to answer your first question, YES, SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE EVERY MOMENT I’M FIGHTING OTHERS’ NEGATIVE PERSPECTIVE and I do get tired (as I want to elevate them!)
Once you become very clear in your thinking and respect for your inner compass it becomes much easier to see the real truth in terms of “quality of life”/”joy of living”.
I won’t tell you specifically what you need to do but I can share my perspective of how I have made some sense of it for myself.
Be totally honest with who you are at all times, be clear on what your values are and then honour them as if your life depended on it because it does. Once we are clear with and accept who we are we are ok with everyone else’s judgments as we realize it’s “their unresolved demons/issues” causing the judgment.
“They”, those who live a life of quiet misery and little joy are very numerous! Realize that your joy ANNOYS them because they want it but can’t see how it is possible and are too far away. If you are in Joy (#1 on the emotional Scale) and they are in Fear/Despair/Hopelessness/Powerlessness/Depression (#22) you might as well be different animal species from different solar systems communicating,
They can only access fear while you are at a totally alien vibration level which can be jarring for them (and they are jarring to you as well for the same reasons!). They often think you are a POLYANNA or worse a cultist!
The following is on my vision board:
People Who Are Wrong
X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X
X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X
X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X
Society is dysfunctional with ridiculous consumeristic, superficial values (coming from lack and fear via the media concentrated negative energy beam), so that does not present a good role model! Begin finding more positive people to be around. join some Meetup groups in what you are interested in. A great one in Toronto is the Soul City meetup run by Steve Fleming.
Imagine you arrive in a new land and everyone there has had their legs smashed with clubs so they are all limping and that is the way it is. You arrive with your perfect legs and keep telling people how great having 2 perfect legs is! Soon they club you and you limp as they do! You need to find people who love to walk tall and free and real, because that is you.
I have a healthy amount of cynicism about society and what is right, I’m a pretty big defecation disturber!
Once you realize that they are so miserable and unwilling to look at life as a joyful adventure, you have a choice:
- Try to change them (doesn’t work),
- Avoid or eliminate them (they’re everywhere!),
- Just be your true happy self and notice the joy you do bring to those open to it and how you attract more joyful people, events and experiences (like attracts like).
I have a mantra of “living like a zebra among horses”. Did you know the zebra has never successfully been domesticated like a horse? Man has tried for centuries, can’t do it, character is too strong! The zebra isn’t better than the horses, just different. In its savannah environment it is invisible and safe. What is your safe savannah? People who are joyful already, seek them out and allow them to find you as this newsletter has done.
To live an extraordinary, fulfilling life is an act of raw courage and defiance, don’t push up on what you don’t want! Don’t come from a place of “righteousness”, “they’re wrong!” that builds anger/resistance. Come from love and see that they are lost and you must be the change you seek!
From my upcoming blockbuster book, “Cobra in the Closet” I describe a successful life:
- Full health and vibrancy allowing me full choice in my life. You can’t have anything else without this, every day get fit to access all people and opportunities with boundless energy!
- Joy in every moment, regardless of the outer reality, I choose joy as my operating level, life is supposed to be fun and light!
- Passions that feed your very soul including Human needs #5 and #6, Growth and Contribution to others
- Financial resources giving you choice to do what you want, when you want with who you want.
Develop a powerful Life Purpose Statement, reason why you are here that will help you be grounded.
Mine is: “I am the knight in shining armor slashing through people’s lies and deception!”
If your life feels joyful, it is. Have the courage and authenticity to remove those whose lives are miserable and want you down too. I pity those who question me in this way as they are really far from any type of sustainable path and it’s not a good place to reside.
Hope that helps!
I’m on a little bit of a rampage right now on the topic of media. I realize by writing the words I write here, that I am attracting and focusing on what I don’t want! So let’s call it a rant and then I will forever hold my pieces…I mean peace!
For those of you who have known me for a while, you know I made a life decision about 6 years ago to cut off all forms of “news” media. The idea behind the strategy was that, I am very sensitive person and the terrible stories, stayed with me long after I turned the TV off or put down the paper. I formulated that if I removed this MASSIVE NEGATIVE ENERGY BLAST from my life, my outlook on life, and the world at large would improve dramatically. So I stopped watching all news, reading all news and began listening to music only satellite radio stations (news-free!).
After 6 years on this “no news media kick”, I would like to report that my original thesis not only holds but I severely underestimated the damage caused by the nonsense called “news”. Some observations follow confirming my point:
- I was still aware of “need to know” life critical news via other people, people talk!
- I was amazed at how long “tragedies” like earthquakes in Haiti, tsunamis in the South Pacific, oil spill in the gulf stayed in the media excitement. The worst tragedies barely made it two weeks and were then forgotten
- I have learned that the typical media story ratio is 9 Negative stories for every 1 positive story
- The average newscast is aimed at the reading comprehension level of a 10 year old! So you’re not exactly challenging your brain either!
- My personal view of life improved DRAMATICALLY! The media is a focused negative energy vibration beam that creates a (VERY NEGATIVELY) distorted view of the safety of the world. Think about it, they paint a fearful view of the world, don’t go there, you might get robbed/shot/molested (insert negative experience here _____________________)
- I’m never going back, I love my life, my attitude, my view of the world is that “there are opportunities everywhere!”. Once you see the world this way, the law of Attraction will bring events and people to support that thesis. I don’t lock my door sometimes, I’m not afraid. By not being afraid, negative events always seem to miss me!
- Your body gets destroyed by acid that is caused by generalized fear. It’s different than a fear right in front of you. A fear in front of you can be acted upon (example bear attacks!)
I’d love your feedback on this and, try a week without news, your Most Positive (Brilliant) Self will thank you!
Question: In the past, I always tried to fix problems; I believed that the more I thought about them, I could get them fixed. I found that they got bigger and attracted bigegr problem friends! Your thoughts? GH
Our readers are brilliant; you understand the law of Attraction by the tone of your question, well done!
It doesn’t work and is a flawed premise perpetuated by the media. Most think the more they push against what they DON’T want it will go away. WRONG, they attract more.
WHAT YOU FOCUS ON GROWS! What you resist persists, What you ignore haunts you no more!
The only way to really solve a problem permanently is to ALWAYS LOOK TOWARD THE SOLUTION, what we want. Again the universe doesn’t understand the word “NOT” or “Don’t want”. It hears “Problem”.
Try this out next time you are stuck. Focus 1 minute on the problem, and then focus 1 whole minute on the solution. Now go spend another minute on the problem. Doesn’t feel too good does it? You will see the difference in how you feel is night and day.
If you are not sure which you are focusing on, check in with how good you feel! Focusing on the solution will turn your boat around (send you back downstream).
It happens when you least expect it, you’re bumping along chasing all your dreams and the other people that you can co-collaborate with. Then WHAM! A couple of people around you “over-react” to something you said or did or were being. Now it’s one thing when one person mentions something, but when 2 do, then you need to listen, and good.
Those of you who are close to the hurricane that I call “Frank’s life” it’s probably easy to see, I’m running around with so many dream projects and get so excited about the future I believe I am creating that I forgot some people around me, most notably my business partner, PW and my good friend AS. Thank you guys for calling me on my #$%#^! I mean that.
My whole intent is to help as many people as I can with my work, as an author, coach, teacher, speaker and game show host. How ironic I hurt people closest to me. The large projects I have undertaken are all individually quite huge, multiply them by a number north of 10 and you can see some problems.
I realized today that there are 20 days of summer (plus a good September) left and that I barely did anything but work. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely proud to have finished my book “Cobra in the Closet” last week. I’m very proud of the game we co-created, “Masks-Off”, the fact I started 3 new books, completed another, am currently creating a “Breakthrough in a Box’ concept and recording the Cobra audio book and working on the movie script +++.
No, I was saddened by the fact I lost the wonderful balance that allowed me to be creative enough to create those projects. When it’s not fun anymore (and used to be!) you need to re-prioritize. I’m committing now to slowing down and focusing on quality (thanks AS) not volume and speed which dilutes quality. I also commit to enjoying riding my motorcycle a lot more and visit friends. I also commit to go into social situations not to see “how powerful my mind power is”, but to help people and make them see their greatness. That’s an intention more in line with my Most Brilliant Self (MBS).
One of the great exercises that turned me around from anger was to create a “list of positive aspects” of the person I was angry at.
Example: “This person is a brilliant organizer, extremely devoted family person, always works hard on our projects, always is self-directed, etc.” Within minutes my vibration (aka. MOOD) improved dramatically! Try it yourself next time you are in a resourceful state around someone.
Where do YOU need to re-prioritize and rebalance? Will you or will you do it? Or wait until you cause some pain and people push you away and you feel so lonely? Don’t do that, it’s not fun!
Question: I’m a health care professional and entrepreneur and from time to time I find myself in a rut, questioning my abilities, if I’m doing the right thing, should I do something else…I have a couple of what I think are great personal and career opportunities at the moment, and I want to know what the best way is to stay fresh, energized, enthusiastic about these projects. Also, because they’re entrepreneurial in nature, there’s risk, all types of different risks, financial, personal, opportunity costs and the like. I want to stay energized and passionate about the opportunities while at the same time staying level headed. How do I stay passionate and energized enough to defend my ideas about these opportunities while being open minded and flexible about suggestions/criticisms from others. How do I manage the dilemma of having the fire, but also realistic? DP
Firstly, we all get in ruts sometimes, but I would watch my language (as language shapes our experience), call it a “creative break” or a “refocus period”, as if you’ve ever really been stuck in a winter icy rut with your bald tires, tough to get out and the word is powerful for your subconscious mind!
Whenever we tackle something for the first few times we are complete and utterly “lost” and relatively “useless” as we have few reference points or guide points letting us know “proceed you are on the right track” or something similar. I’m hearing a fair amount of enthusiasm (great! Passion #2 on the ES) but also fear (awful feeling #22 on the ES!). Trust your intuition on these “great” opportunities and follow them as far as they feel good to you and motivate you, otherwise put them aside and focus on what’s working.
The best way to feel fresh and energized with these projects is to fully commit all of you to them, don’t hold back (your STUMPS (acronym for Saboteur Trickster Most Pathetic Self in “u”) is telling you to be guarded and not give 100%), don’t listen, do it anyway. Remember it’s not what you do that is important but who you become in the trials and tribulations of trying, failing and dusting yourself off and trying again. Being an entrepreneur is a lonely profession, I know. Thousands of untold invested hours with sometimes zero external money or result to show for it, that’s why many prefer a cushy job, guaranteed income. The fact you have multiple projects is a great testament to others’ confidence in you and your openness, trust that side of yourself.
As for Realistic VS Passion, they are polar opposites and inversely correlated. As an early stage entrepreneur I would lean 80% passion, 20% realistic as all great breakthroughs were not realistic.
Realistic is for losers and those who work in bean-counter organizations, not us little mice (vs. dinosaur) entrepreneurs. Besides realistic has no vision, juice or power! Passion can sell any idea to anyone.
I would make sure I have well set out goal milestones and these need to be things you know are needed to succeed, but NOT the final result, keep reframing it bigger. Here’s an example from my work.
- When I first had the idea of Cobra in the Closet project I wanted to write about my client’s progress over 37 days.
- I had no clear goals in writing other than to capture what was occurring and my evaluation (still in experiment/report mode)
- Then as I began writing more and more (what I thought were good pages) I realized I loved writing this book and committed to writing a minimum of 3 pages a day in it (with no final target).
- I soon realized my experiment subject was not playing her “role” as student / coachee at all”. At this point I wanted to quit saying “how can I write a book about coaching her if she doesn’t want to be coached?
- I realized then, my viewpoint was too small so I reframed it (helped by the journaling in the book I was writing). I reframed it this way:
“I may fail as a coach, Jen may fail as a student but the project succeeds madly!”
This took a lot of pressure off me, and allowed me to continue.
Last point: As an entrepreneur: Other people will criticize and try to discourage you mostly because it is so confronting to have someone go for their dreams when you have not followed yours. Society is hypercritical and small minded. As an entrepreneur, hang with others who are on similar paths as they get it, all others especially close family and friends come from “well-meaning fear” but they steal all our passion and juice and give our STUMPS ammunition. They are dream-stealers….avoid them as it takes too much energy to “defend” as you say. Trust me over time no one will get to you, as you don’t give them an inch, your vibration is so strong and sure, they feel it and buy in!
Good luck let us know how it goes!