Question: “Why are/can relationships be so hard!?” Janice C.

 

Answer:  Firstly, thanks for the question Janice. The Universe can never buck your trend or vibration, so if you think they are hard, then the Universe will match that and give you “hard” relationships.

They are hard when we are unclear who we are, what we want and have limited courage and/or low standards for what we deserve. If we come from fear/insecurity (lack) we will attract that.

They can be hard when we are inauthentic (trying to be what we are not) and trying to please or impress another with our actions. The most important relationship is with ourselves and many people don’t have a good one there. Self criticism and low self esteem should be your number one enemies and they can be dealt with by beginning to monitor and notice your thoughts and language. Just saying, “Relationships are hard.”  Is a very scarcity-based perspective. Your subconscious says, “If they are hard, why would we even want one? We don’t” 

Without really liking yourself you go out meeting people that subconsciously feel like they “complete” you. If you don’t really like yourself and feel incomplete without a partner you attract another “incomplete” partner. Two “incompletes” don’t make a “complete”, they make both more incomplete as both partners are trying to “get” something they need internally (self love) from outside themselves. All this does is augment a chain of pain.

A person with strong personal preferences, clear standards of conduct, a strong sense of self that is being authentic manifests relationships easily and naturally as they are abundant. Relationships can be anything YOU create and want them to be, exciting, fun, etc.

This mindset lets us realize that we can never stand on our head in enough ways to ever please another person. Even if we do, we will lose their respect or attract abuse (victim-victimizer complex).
When we are clear about who we are and what we want, we naturally know what we need and gravitate to relationships and people we can get our needs met with. When this happens with both partners asking and getting their needs met, it is incredible how joyful, natural and passionate relationships become.

So look inside first, fill that up then watch your external (with another) relationships flourish. Otherwise it’s like trying to fill a bucket with a hole in it, no one can ever give you enough love to replace the love you don’t have for yourself.

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“Why do I keep dating the wrong (for me) people?”

Question: “Why do I keep dating the wrong (for me) people?”    James K.

Frank’s Answer: Thanks for the question James! To better answer this I need to define “dating”. If it means 1) first dates or if it means 2) spending a few months seeing a person?

If it is 1) (First Dates), then change the locations and activities where you keep meeting people. First dates should be very low expectation events, that way disappointment is minimized. The purpose of a first date is to determine chemistry and joint interests. As such if you are getting upset about first dates, maybe go on less of them and meet people doing what you do that you enjoy (hobbies, passions, sports, etc.). As much as location is a key determinant, I suspect your thoughts and vibration are the ones bringing in the “wrong” people in for you. The Law of Attraction (it is a law as is gravity and the speed of sound) says that all things vibrate at a certain frequency.

So it is impossible to attract a partner that is in “Joy, Love, Appreciation, Freedom, Empowerment (#1 on the Emotional Scale) if you are in “Frustration/Irritation/Impatience, as these are #10 on the Emotional Scale. Your question has a hint of desperation (even lower at #22 the bottom of the Emotional Scale). At those levels all the people you will attract are also desperate. Desperate + Desperate = More Desperate, or “WRONG” as you call it.

I suspect however that it is more 2) (Spending a few months together). In this case I suspect that standards or lack of them may be the culprit. Time is precious and determining that someone is wrong for you should be a simple affair if, and it’s a HUGE “if” you know WHO you are and WHAT you want in a partner. Many people don’t really know themselves, their values and minimum acceptable criteria. This is the equivalent of shopping at a grocery mega store with tasty foods (people that are cute but without similar values) without a clue of what you need at home (your relationship wants and needs). You get home with all these exciting (novelty for a few days candy relationship) groceries but have no satisfying sustaining foods (shared interests and values). You binge eat for a few days (date for a few months) then get sick and starve (have fights, break up and then get desperate and repeat and why “love” hurts, it’s not love).

Without knowing ourselves or what we really want, the signal we broadcast is completely confused and we get those results. Finding the “one” begins with finding ourselves, that’s the work but it can be fun!

Good luck James! Let us know how it goes.

Question: It seems like every relationship I have repeats the same unhealthy patterns. How do I stop this Groundhog Day!?  Sandy R.

Frank’s Answer: Each time you repeat a pattern it means you haven’t learned the lesson about the dysfunctional pattern or more importantly, even identified it was dysfunctional. Trust me once you realize the level of pain you will not make the same mistake again as you will see telltale patterns. It is a good idea to create a list of minimal acceptable standards for people you want to contemplate dating BEFORE you start falling for them. Develop a “Must-Have”, “Must-NOT Have” and “Nice to have” qualities of your optimal partner.

Realize we attract the vibration we put out, if you keep putting out (to the Universe) the same patterns (worry, fear, lack, anger) you will attract people from these vibrations, ouch!.

Additionally start doing different things with varied different types of people, this could help too as most relationships are created and arise due to physical proximity. Try changing who, where and how you socialize, the world is diverse so should your interactions and activities. Also raise your standards, it may seem counter-intuitive but when you become more selective it’s easier, with so much less turmoil (and maybe even joy, excitement and adventure. I know! Who knew!). Once you look at being single as an adventure you can be light and have fun!   

 

Avoiding the Dating Games

Question: “Everyone is playing games dating, I don’t even know the rules! Help!”

Frank’s Answer:  This may or may not be true, if you think it is true then IT IS for you, and you need to change your perspective (via reframing). This is a so-called global belief, like “All___ x people are like ____”. This comment definitely comes from a place of lack as in, “there are no good people left”. The universe is abundant. The fact that you mention rules suggests you are looking for a way to successfully deal with the frustration of inauthenticity and deception going on. The fact these “games” bother you suggests you are a person of integrity and honesty, which are great values.

The only thing you can control is who YOU are being and how you see and do things, nothing else (you don’t control the weather, economy, your boss, your partner etc.). The definition of suffering is trying to control people or other things outside ourselves. I would begin by realizing that any global statement like the one above is rarely true because there are so many different (abundance) people out there. The fact is in terms of the Law of Attraction, Like attracts Like. By having minimum standards of conduct (essentially loving and valuing yourself) you will naturally not put up with such gamesmanship and will attract higher quality people. If someone is acting in a way that is out of integrity you could call them on it or decide that those aren’t the type of games you want to play and stick to it. Maybe change the environments you are meeting a certain “type” of person if you see patterns repeating. Always realize we choose what we tolerate and can change.

 

Move on Or Stay?

Question:  My partner and I don’t seem to connect anymore. What should/can I can do, or is it just time to move on/leave?

Frank’s Answer:  It’s too easy to only blame the other person. A better way to approach this is to look at if you are happy with who you are being in the relationship? If yes, then you need to get clear if both your paths are still aligned. I find values a strong predictor of relationship success. Not carbon copy values, but enough commonalities so you feel you share similar views on life’s major areas. At least have respect for each other.

If respect is gone and resentment has settled in and you no longer have more good times than bad, then re-evaluate if this fits YOUR minimum relationship expectations (what you would minimally want in a new partner). If not, being single (a little lonely at first but also excitement of potential new mate) is always better than in a bad relationship (feeling alone with a partner).

Communication is key here, you want to explore the topic in a courageously authentic fashion so you are transparent and are not holding any important facts or feelings back from your partner. Once you take responsibility for your inputs of the relationship and communicate clearly, then the right decision will become clearer. Until honest dialogue happens both partners may be operating from false/mistaken assumptions about the other. Clarity brings conscious choice.

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Girlfriend concerned with Career Direction

QUESTION: “Hi Frank.  I had a question for you.  My girlfriend is concerned about my career direction. Is there a good career counseling program you would suggest for me?”              SH

FRANK’S ANSWER:
“Thank you so much for reaching out to me on this issue, I’m sure many readers will get value from your courage and honesty.

I have attached the unfinished manuscript which will be published in the next year, it called “Career Chameleon: Thriving in a New Reality” and i am sure you will find much to move you forward with in this work.

My main issue with your question lies in the subtext or context of the question. I question the wisdom of your lady friend and her “worrying” for you. In my opinion, a partner is there to support us in our journey, not have these unmentioned or unwritten expectations that could put pressure on you. When we meet someone, we should never think in terms of the things we can change in them. If so, move on! Make sure she is not pressuring you as good opportunities never come from desperation. If you would like more information, contact me privately.

Where’s My Mojo?

Question “I have always been highly driven and motivated, both academically and in my personal life. But ever since I finished school for the summer back in April and got this new job working as a cocktail waitress, I find that I have zero drive to do ANYTHING! I find myself sleeping in all day just to wake up to go to work, whereas before I was highly engaged and would correspond with people obsessively, was always reading business blogs and keeping up with current affairs, and was constantly making plans and setting goals for myself. I’m curious, can motivation be affected by environmental factors, such as one’s job, their amount of sleep, their diet, etc? Because all three of these factors have changed drastically  within the past few months, but I was always belonged to the school of thought that motivation was an internal drive, one that is an integral part of your psychology and personality, one that cannot be taught or altered. What are your thoughts on motivation, and how can I get my Moho back?! Looking forward to your insights!” KB

Coach Frank’s Answer: Great Question! My readers and listeners are brilliant and I learn so much from you all!

OK, I took liberties with this person (and got clarification) and found some other key facts that will help me frame the issue.

The first obvious point is that you have answered your own question very well in describing the (drastic) changes in your environment over the last few months. You went from an 11 year career as a full time student to working part time at some very different hours, big change. You went from being incredibly secure and safe in your expertise as a brilliant student, now you are in a totally different environment, working crazy hours physically and perhaps are not eating well or exercising to keep the mind and body connection optimized. Just because you are young, slim and never had to work out, it may be time to challenge your body differently.

Another aspect of the change is the type of people you work with and serve in a bar/restaurant. I worked 6 years in the industry and have found that there were a couple of different types of people that worked with me:

1) The student or struggling artist making money to pay bills and pursue their dreams (a stepping stone). For some the stepping stone remains for decades with ensuing bitterness because the lifestyle provides easy/plentiful “right now” cash.

2) What I called industry professionals who are not educated but love the work and take real pride in serving other people and the psychic income of connection and prestige that goes with being in charge of your own group/territory of sales. Additionally bartenders have the “it” factor of being on a pedestal.

So, new environment, rules, hours, diet, people, expectations = New challenges, feelings and growth (in new directions).

Become clear why you are doing this job (the money and social) but have an exit plan and time line. Set a SMART goal. (Not a SMART SERVE GOAL!)

SMART GOALS are Specific, Measurable, Accountable, Resonant, Thrilling

example: “I will save $50 a week for the next 6 months and apply to 10 full time jobs per week with the objective of having a “corporate job” by September 1st,
2011 paying a minimum of $ X”.

Keep adjusting the exact goal until it’s thrilling to you! Otherwise it’s too much work and no fun! I can tell you right now, my bar tending days were some of the best memories I have to this day. You will look back at this period in 20 years and say, that was so fun! WHY WAIT! HAVE FUN AND SAY IT NOW! BE A STUDENT OF THIS NEW EXPERIENCE/ENVIRONMENT!

By doing this you realize that the job now is a VEHICLE to get to your other goals. Also, I would make a game of it, “how amazing can I get by September 1stat connecting with people?”

Another point, be easy in this transition period, I’m hearing you “should over” yourself because you have high standards.

Let us know how you do! Trust who you are and your intuition, follow it and live!

Thanks KB!

Dealing with Other People’s Negativity

Question: Do you ever feel that way? Where people look at you funny because of your zest for life? If so how do you deal with it?                                 SLM

Frank’s Answer:
As per usual, great question asked at the perfect time for all.

I find it ironic that in a world where everyone is trying so hard to be different via , tattoos, cars, designer apparel, etc. that where we really are different, our personalities, live view and joy levels, judgment finds us everywhere, sometimes especially with our friends and family.

So to answer your first question, YES, SOMETIMES IT FEELS LIKE EVERY MOMENT I’M FIGHTING OTHERS’ NEGATIVE PERSPECTIVE and I do get tired (as I want to elevate them!)

Once you become very clear in your thinking and respect for your inner compass it becomes much easier to see the real truth in terms of “quality of life”/”joy of living”.
I won’t tell you specifically what you need to do but I can share my perspective of how I have made some sense of it for myself.

Be totally honest with who you are at all times, be clear on what your values are and then honour them as if your life depended on it because it does. Once we are clear with and accept who we are we are ok with everyone else’s judgments as we realize it’s “their unresolved demons/issues” causing the judgment.

“They”, those who live a life of quiet misery and little joy are very numerous! Realize that your joy ANNOYS them because they want it but can’t see how it is possible and are too far away. If you are in Joy (#1 on the emotional Scale) and they are in Fear/Despair/Hopelessness/Powerlessness/Depression (#22) you might as well be different animal species from different solar systems communicating,

They can only access fear while you are at a totally alien vibration level which can be jarring for them (and they are jarring to you as well for the same reasons!). They often think you are a POLYANNA or worse a cultist!
The following is on my vision board:

People Who Are Wrong
X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X
X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X
X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X X

x= Lots

Society is dysfunctional with ridiculous consumeristic, superficial values (coming from lack and fear via the media concentrated negative energy beam), so that does not present a good role model! Begin finding more positive people to be around. join some Meetup groups in what you are interested in. A great one in Toronto is the Soul City meetup run by Steve Fleming.

Imagine you arrive in a new land and everyone there has had their legs smashed with clubs so they are all limping and that is the way it is. You arrive with your perfect legs and keep telling people how great having 2 perfect legs is! Soon they club you and you limp as they do! You need to find people who love to walk tall and free and real, because that is you.

I have a healthy amount of cynicism about society and what is right, I’m a pretty big defecation disturber!

Once you realize that they are so miserable and unwilling to look at life as a joyful adventure, you have a choice:

  1. Try to change them (doesn’t work),
  2. Avoid or eliminate them (they’re everywhere!),
  3. Just be your true happy self and notice the joy you do bring to those open to it and how you attract more joyful people, events and experiences (like attracts like).

I have a mantra of “living like a zebra among horses”. Did you know the zebra has never successfully been domesticated like a horse? Man has  tried for centuries, can’t do it, character is too strong! The zebra isn’t better than the horses, just different. In its savannah environment it is invisible and safe. What is your safe savannah? People who are joyful already, seek them out and allow them to find you as this newsletter has done.

To live an extraordinary, fulfilling life is an act of raw courage and defiance, don’t push up on what you don’t want! Don’t come from a place of “righteousness”, “they’re wrong!” that builds anger/resistance. Come from love and see that they are lost and you must be the change you seek!

From my upcoming blockbuster book, “Cobra in the Closet” I describe a successful life:

  1. Full health and vibrancy allowing me full choice in my life. You can’t have anything else without this, every day get fit to access all people and opportunities with boundless energy!
  2. Joy in every moment, regardless of the outer reality, I choose joy as my operating level, life is supposed to be fun and light!
  3. Passions that feed your very soul including Human needs #5 and #6, Growth and Contribution to others
  4. Financial resources giving you choice to do what you want, when you want with who you want.

Develop a powerful Life Purpose Statement, reason why you are here that will help you be grounded.
Mine is: “I am the knight in shining armor slashing through people’s lies and deception!”

If your life feels joyful, it is. Have the courage and authenticity to remove those whose lives are miserable and want you down too. I pity those who question me in this way as they are really far from any type of sustainable path and it’s not a good place to reside.

Hope that helps!

 

Focussing on Problems Makes them Bigger and Attracts More!

Question In the past, I always tried to fix problems; I believed that the more I thought about them, I could get them fixed. I found that they got bigger and attracted bigegr problem friends! Your thoughts?                                 GH

Frank’s Answer:

Our readers are brilliant; you understand the law of Attraction by the tone of your question, well done!
It doesn’t work and is a flawed premise perpetuated by the media. Most think the more they push against what they DON’T want it will go away. WRONG, they attract more.

WHAT YOU FOCUS ON GROWS! What you resist persists, What you ignore haunts you no more!

The only way to really solve a problem permanently is to ALWAYS LOOK TOWARD THE SOLUTION, what we want. Again the universe doesn’t understand the word “NOT” or “Don’t want”. It hears “Problem”.
Try this out next time you are stuck. Focus 1 minute on the problem, and then focus 1 whole minute on the solution. Now go spend another minute on the problem. Doesn’t feel too good does it? You will see the difference in how you feel is night and day.
If you are not sure which you are focusing on, check in with how good you feel! Focusing on the solution will turn your boat around (send you back downstream).

 

The Entrepreneur’s Dilemma:

QuestionI’m a health care professional and entrepreneur and from time to time I find myself in a rut, questioning my abilities, if I’m doing the right thing, should I do something else…I have a couple of what I think are great personal and career opportunities at the moment, and I want to know what the best way is to stay fresh, energized, enthusiastic about these projects. Also, because they’re entrepreneurial in nature, there’s risk, all types of different risks, financial, personal, opportunity costs and the like. I want to stay energized and passionate about the opportunities while at the same time staying level headed. How do I stay passionate and energized enough to defend my ideas about these opportunities while being open minded and flexible about suggestions/criticisms from others. How do I manage the dilemma of having the fire, but also realistic?                DP

Frank’s Reply:
Firstly, we all get in ruts sometimes, but I would watch my language (as language shapes our experience), call it a “creative break” or a “refocus period”, as if you’ve ever really been stuck in a winter icy rut with your bald tires, tough to get out and the word is powerful for your subconscious mind!

Whenever we tackle something for the first few times we are complete and utterly “lost” and relatively “useless” as we have few reference points or guide points letting us know “proceed you are on the right track” or something similar. I’m hearing a fair amount of enthusiasm (great! Passion #2 on the ES) but also fear (awful feeling #22 on the ES!). Trust your intuition on these “great” opportunities and follow them as far as they feel good to you and motivate you, otherwise put them aside and focus on what’s working.

The best way to feel fresh and energized with these projects is to fully commit all of you to them, don’t hold back (your STUMPS (acronym for Saboteur Trickster Most Pathetic Self in “u”) is telling you to be guarded and not give 100%), don’t listen, do it anyway. Remember it’s not what you do that is important but who you become in the trials and tribulations of trying, failing and dusting yourself off and trying again. Being an entrepreneur is a lonely profession, I know. Thousands of untold invested hours with sometimes zero external money or result to show for it, that’s why many prefer a cushy job, guaranteed income.  The fact you have multiple projects is a great testament to others’ confidence in you and your openness, trust that side of yourself.

As for Realistic VS Passion, they are polar opposites and inversely correlated. As an early stage entrepreneur I would lean 80% passion, 20% realistic as all great breakthroughs were not realistic.
Realistic is for losers and those who work in bean-counter organizations, not us little mice (vs. dinosaur) entrepreneurs. Besides realistic has no vision, juice or power! Passion can sell any idea to anyone.

I would make sure I have well set out goal milestones and these need to be things you know are needed to succeed, but NOT the final result, keep reframing it bigger. Here’s an example from my work.

  • When I first had the idea of Cobra in the Closet project I wanted to write about my client’s progress over 37 days.
  • I had no clear goals in writing other than to capture what was occurring and my evaluation (still in experiment/report mode)
  • Then as I began writing more and more (what I thought were good pages) I realized I loved writing this book and committed to writing a minimum of 3 pages a day in it (with no final target).
  • I soon realized my experiment subject was not playing her “role” as student / coachee at all”. At this point I wanted to quit saying “how can I write a book about coaching her if she doesn’t want to be coached?
  • I realized then, my viewpoint was too small so I reframed it (helped by the journaling in the book I was writing). I reframed it this way:

“I may fail as a coach, Jen may fail as a student but the project succeeds madly!”

This took a lot of pressure off me, and allowed me to continue.

Last point: As an entrepreneur: Other people will criticize and try to discourage you mostly because it is so confronting to have someone go for their dreams when you have not followed yours. Society is hypercritical and small minded. As an entrepreneur, hang with others who are on similar paths as they get it, all others especially close family and friends come from “well-meaning fear” but they steal all our passion and juice and give our STUMPS ammunition. They are dream-stealers….avoid them as it takes too much energy to “defend” as you say. Trust me over time no one will get to you, as you don’t give them an inch, your vibration is so strong and sure, they feel it and buy in!

Good luck let us know how it goes!