Increasing Your Self Acceptance / Self Worth

  
Finding/Increasing Your Self-Acceptance/ Self -Worth
From the fabulous “Get Out of Your Own Way” book by Dr. RuskOnce concern about self worth is set aside, awareness of your mortality will help make each moment more valuable.

“I didn’t ask to be here, but here I am anyway. And I’m not going to be here forever. I’ve been given inherited talents and weaknesses. I had no say about my genetic capacities. I’m a product of my past- my inheritance and my experiences. I can’t change that. However., I do have some say about how I act now.

I am not who I was years ago, I am not who I may be sometime in the future, and I may not be who others want me to be. I’m not even who I have believed I am. Like it or not, I am exactly who I am. And I’d like to find out who that is and who I could grow to become.

I do have some choices and because I do, I can chose to take risks and experiment to find out what I’m capable of. I can try on different attitudes that seem to offer more than my familiar attitudes. I can behave differently, in new ways that seem preferable to my habits.

 

I will concentrate on my strengths, instead of trying to hide or compensate for my weaknesses. The only way I can discover what I have to offer is by exploring various activities. It’s up to me to locate my wellsprings of talent. I can experiment until I find those pursuits that make me feel better about myself and come to me more readily than other activities.

And since I have control over how I do whatever I’m doing, why not do the best I can? Maybe what I do and what I accomplish is less important than how I do it. Perhaps it is less important to do the right things that to do things for the right reasons. I’ll earn self-respect automatically. And the more difficult the thing I try to accomplish, the more self respect I’ll earn.

If I’m good enough to succeed at something I feel good about, then not only will I earn self-respect, I’ll also feel fulfilled. If I fail despite my best efforts, I’ll still have self-respect.”

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Assertiveness: Your Rights and Responsabilities

 Assertiveness: Your Rights and Responsabilities
To be assertive you need to believe in both a) your individual rights and b) the rights of others. This balance is shown below, rights are standard  and responsabilities italics. As you read these, check statements that make you uncomfortable or which DO NOT reflect your normal behavior. This is from the United Nations.
If you are not assertive memorize the 1st ones, if you are aggressive memorize the 2nd ones.
  • I have the right to be treated with dignity and respect.
        I have the responsability to treat others with the same dignity and respect I desire from them.
  • I have the right to decide what is best for me.
         I have the responsability to allow others to decide what is best for them.
  • I have the right to have and express my own feelings and opinions.
        I have the responsabilty to express those feelings and opinions in a way that does not insult or put others down.
  • I have the right to ask for what I want and need.
        I have the responsability to allow others to refuse my request even though I don’t like to be refused.
  •  I have the right to say “NO” without feeling guilty.
         I have the responsability to allow others the right to say “NO”
  • I have the right to be listened to and taken seriously.
        I have the responsability to listen to others and take them seriously 
  •  I have the right to make mistakes.
         I have the responsability to accept the consequences of those mistakes. 
  • I have the right to all my human weaknesses and limitations without guilt or shame.
        I have the responsability to allow others their weaknesses without ridiculing or resenting them.
  •  I have the right to do what is necessary to protect my physical and mental health even though this sometimes requires non-assertive or aggressive  behavior and discomforting of others.
         I have the responsability to do this in a way that causes the least amount of harm to both myself and others.
       
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5 “Prescriptions” For Happiness

        No matter how much you have, you could always use more. Even the happiest person could want even more. This week I will cover some phenomenal research (scientific) on happiness. There are over 800 books on “Happiness” out there, very few (a handful) are actually research and science based information. As such so many happiness cookbooks are of the “Grandma always said” or simply the opinion of one person having “found” it after suffering. I’d like to thank Karl for sharing this with me so I can share it with you. 
1) Change What you DO Not What you have:  Forget “I’ll be happier when I get ____” (raise, new car, new position, etc.). Also change “HOW” you do things (vary them). Example: Volunteer, Big Brother/Sister2) Pursue intrinsic goals for self-concordant reasons: Goals that mean something to you and that resonate with your values and who you are. Goals are VERY important. They are a way to travel to the future we want! Pursue goals out of interest, not pressure. Expressing your identity, not your guilt.
3) Strive to be your Authentic/Unguarded self in social settings: Those whose social self is closest to their “true” self live the happiest. Have the courage to be yourself and see the magic as others reflect authenticity.

4) Balance your time across the day: Don’t do too much of only one thing, mix it up.

5) Manage your life so that you feel autonomous, competent and connected:
Humans have 3 basic psychological needs:
A) Autonomous:  Doing what you choose.
Fortune Cookie: “Do not depend on others to make you happy, you can do it yourself.”
B) Competence: Whatever you do, do it well.
Fortune Cookie: “To guarantee success, act as if it were impossible to fail.” 
C) Relatedness: Connect with others.
Fortune Cookie: “Your friends and family are the key to your happiness.”

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2014 Go For It!

2014 Go for It!
Last week looked at finding out our wins and challenges for the year 2013. Now we will look forward always in the objective of creating a compelling future that jazzes US (no one else!). I’ve included a few

1) In terms of each of the following life areas, rank your level of satisfaction RIGHT Now (in this moment, don’t over-analyze) with that area in your life 1 to 10 where 1 means that area is completely unsatisfactory to 10 being completely and utterly over the moon.
Satisfaction (Out of /10)
My Relationship with family                __
My Realtionship friends                        __
Significant Other                                       __
Fun and Recreation                                  __
Health                                                             __
Money                                                            __
Career                                                            __
Personal Growth                                       __
Physical Environment                            __

So any areas at or below a “5” should definately be focused on for you to live a fulfilling life in 2014.

2) Look forward to the end of 2014, you are writing out what an incredible year it was.
You begin:

  1. Imagine that it is one year from now – you’re feeling especially gratified and thankful. You are looking back over the past year with a sense of satisfaction and pride. It has been a fabulous year of growth and personal achievement – a year that spoke to your heart. You sit down to write a letter to your closest friends, describing the year,
  2. What are the highlights? You begin: “This has been a most extraordinary year for me…”

What are the obstacles you had to overcome?
There is an underlying theme for the whole year – a thread that was woven through it all. What was that thread?
Who did you have to be in order to get to that place?

3) What experiences on your bucket list will you endeavour to experience/accomplish?

These should get you started!

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The Cracked Pot

“A New life , is a new mind”    James Allen
Back to School/Work  Reality
The summer of 2013 is in the books and we are all back to some combination of work, school and a little more structure. Before we launch on into busyness, as we are all so “BUSY”, sometimes focusing on the urgent and ignoring the important.Remembering Good is the enemy of Great.

I came across this wonderful parable that celebrates our deficiencies, you read that right, the things you hate about yourself could be gifts to the world, give that one a second thought.

“A water bearer in China had 2 large pots, each hung at the end of a pole, which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the  long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot was only half-full. For a full 2 years, this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots of water to his house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for what it was made to do. The poor cracked pot, on the other hand, was ashamed of its imperfection. It was miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it was made to do.

After 2 years of feeling a bitter failure, the poor cracked pot spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you. i have been able to deliver only half my load because this crack on my side causes water to leak as you walk all the way back to your house. because of my flaw, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get the full value of your efforts.” , the pot said.

The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there are flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side. That’s because  I have always known your flaw. So I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day, while we walk back, you water them. For 2 years, I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house.”                                             
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How to Build Confidence and Destroy Fear

From an incredible book i’m reading called: “The Magic of Thinking Big” , here are 5 Powerful ideas to begin replacing fear with confidence.
1. Action dissipates fear: Isolate your fear and then take constructive action. Doing nothing (inaction) about a situation – strengthens fear and destroys confidence.
2. Make a Supreme Effort to put only Positive thoughts in your memory banks. Don’t let self deprecatory thoughts grow into mental monsters. Simply choose to refuse to recall unpleasant events and/or situations.

3. Put People in Proper Perspective: Remember people are much more alike than they are different.Get a balanced view of others, they are just human beings. Develop an understanding attitude. Many people will bark, but it’s a rare one who bites.

4. Practice doing what your conscience tells you is right. This prevents a poisonous guilt complex  from developing. Doing what is right is a very practical rule for success.
5. Make everything about you say, “I’m confident, really confident.” Practice these little tricks in your day to day activities. a) In all presentations: always take the front seat, you will be more engaged, b) always make confident eye contact, c) Walk faster, it looks more dynamic and you feel better (successful folks have a spring in their step), d) Speak up and be heard e) Smile big, teeth must show, when you smile your mood improves.
6. Invest in a great life coach such as myself. Book your Free sample session! Email me
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The “Happiness Trap”

I have re-purposed and added from the brilliant book, “Rascal: Making A Difference Becoming an Original Character” by Chris Brady. Many people mistakenly believe that life is about an individual’s happiness.

 


The biggest trap is believing that happiness can be obtained by direct pursuit. The route most people take to pursue happiness is the seeking of pleasure.  We somehow think that by gaining enough pleasure we will be happy. But the pursuit of pleasure is a con job. It ends in an endless spiral of the pursuit of MORE. This is because pleasure in and by itself is not fulfilling (it should be an earned reward). As each thrill is experienced, we automatically seek and desire a bigger thrill, a higher high. We become desensitized to the pleasure and seek/want stronger stimulation next time.

With the above critical fundamental in mind, it is easy to understand our modern epidemic of addictions to EVERYTHING. It seems there are addictions to anything and everything these days, from the traditional alcohol, drugs, gambling and promiscuity to the more subtle but as destructive addictions to TV, media, shopping, coffee, social media, sloth, etc. At the root of everything is the same empty pursuit of pleasure and more pleasure (for it’s numbing qualities).


The other side is just empty. Many chase peace and tranquility in the hopes happiness will be found there. Alas this chase is just as empty! Why? In the land of peace and tranquility lies the disease of boredom. Idleness begets shallowness robbing us of confidence, courage, contribution and direction. A well earned vacation is a good thing however.
Happiness is always and only the byproduct of right and purposeful living in accordance with values that serve others and make a difference.

The previous information married with my new compensated community business building has helped me greatly focus my life in the pursuit of servant leadership to change others’ lives via life coaching. The side benefit has been a remarkable decrease in pleasure seeking behavior for its own sake. I highly recommend it. Drop me a line or email if you want to chat!

What will you pursue instead of pleasure? Is it big enough and impacts many, otherwise it won’t sustain.

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Attitude Clues

This week I talk about clues to those with unwaveringly great attitudes. I’m still working on mine every day and I can say i’m improving but have so much more to do!
Remember: “When the attitude is right the facts don’t count!”
People With Great Attitudes Have/Are (How many of these are you consistent with?) 
1. High energy: always ready to go
2. Problem Solvers:  Complaining and blaming is easy, most fools do it constantly
3. Can tolerate confusion: Break into parts and prioritize
4. Loyal to team purpose/cause
5. Committed to themselves
6. respond rather than react
7. Winning is a habit , they are never lazy (they love what they do)
9. At peace with themselves since they know why they are here, their purpose
10. Do what they said they would do (have integrity and high principles, example in my case: I return emails or calls within 24 hours no matter what)
“Winners are either “Up” or “getting Up”!”

Attitude Stealers/Destroyers
1. Detail “itis”, focus on the problem not the big picture
2. Procrastinate: Think if they don’t do “x” then they don’t have to do “y”
3. Overly sensitive: personalize everything, not realizing its not for them
4. Ask “Why” Questions: Why questions assume/create victim status
5. Double Minded: Unfocussed. because being successful comes with responsability, so they self-sabotage
6. Compare themselves with others/jealous: Not with themselves in the past. Interestingly: We compare our insides with others’ outsides!
                                                                                         “The trouble with doing nothing, you never know when you are done!”
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High Potential Underachievers VS Achievers

Via my incredible membership with my private success club I came across some incredible information this week I couldn’t wait to share with you. If you want more info. On joining the club, drop me an email.

After 6 years of studying the most successful people on the planet, here is some incredible information, I dare you to look at yourself and see your truth.

The study looked at High Potential Underachievers vs Achievers. Here’s the skinny….

Print it and put it on your Vision Board (you have one right?!)

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High Potential Under-Achievers (What NOT to do)

5 Characteristics:

Procrastinate:  Spend their type paralyzed and analyzing. THEY DON’T ACT. 

Wide Swings of Mood and Self-esteem: Unfocussed

Difficulty in making decisions: Or undo/doubt when they take decisions

Fear of Disappointment: Of themselves and others. Put others’ opinions above their dreams, hide from life.

Dream Big and Never Follow Through:  Can’t pull the trigger.

Underachievers Quit, Achievers Complete.

Now here is what you want, remember 6 studies/research of Performance and Behavior:

Achievers Profile

“An Indestructible Personality”:  Refuse to give up. Will not be denied or stopped no matter what.

More “At Bats”:  Talk to more people, make more calls. “Eat problems for breakfast” . “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” – Wayne Gretzky 

Unshakeable Belief in your dream: Sturdy resilience and unrelenting courage. Chart their success.

Attitude Support:  Keep a positive mindset. Whenever you are above 85% of your thoughts being positive you have a CHANCE at success. Not before.

Mega-Achievers:  Are not Lone Wolves, they are relational.  You need to give to receive. Give from the heart.

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The Key to making a Great Decision Every Time

How do we know when to take that leap make an important decision: either “go” or “no go”?

For most of us it’s torture and then guilt and many false starts wasting time and vibrational, psychological and emotional energy.

Here’s a foolproof way to make sure you’re making the right decisions in the right way so that you take the right ones and avoid the wrong ones that won’t work anyway (because they scare you subconsciously, fear attracts failure).

First get down to what the worst case scenario of the decision is. Most of us don’t want to go there, we don’t want to worry about that or don’t want to focus there but the fear ends up running us. Be 100% honest with yourself most of us sugar coat with ourselves, “It will be fine” is not a powerful strategy.

Here’s an example from my life to apply this: I had to do a book signing yesterday and I was little nervous about it, as it was the first time I do this sort of thing. So I thought about the worst case scenario. In my case, the worst case scenario was “I won’t sell one book at all I was a complete  failure and I was never invited back to the store that invited me and worse than that, they would’ve maybe sent an email to head office or other stores to avoid me.” 

Now yes it that was very scary for me but I knew that I had to learn how to do this and this is a new channel for me (book signings at stores) and I I was prepared to fail miserably at it.. The mistake most people make at this point is not digging deep enough and really going to worst-case scenarios. For example if you’re about to launch a new product what’s the worst case scenario? Most marketing people tell you: “the worst case scenario is that we will sell 50% of what our target is.” We need to dig deeper.

  Here is my first book store signing sale!

That’s not really the worst case scenario, it’s too rosy. The absolute worst case scenario is: you spend months developing the product spending on its development, packaging, making sure the packaging is good and then you fill up your warehouses with the product, you promote it and not one item sells. That is the absolute worst thing that could happen.

That’s why they’re called worst-case scenario not medium-case scenario but most people are afraid to look at the absolute worst case because they think it looks like a failure. Failure is and not admitting what the worst case is possible.

Counter-intuitively perhaps, once you’re really really comfortable that is the absolute worst thing that could happen including impacts to your reputation, your cash flow and your ego then comes the fun part: What is the best case scenario?

So in my case the best case scenario was that I would hit it out of the park and sell over 20 books at my book signing and impress everybody, feel great make, make some money and impress the store and have them send a letter to head office or other store say how great I was.

Now obviously the reality is somewhere in between the two of those but most the time our minds won’t allow us to go to the worst case scenario. If you’re still okay with the worst case scenario happening in terms of your growth, in terms of the opportunity that it presents and you’re okay with that then you can definitely say: “Let’s do this thing and put all of your horsepower (intellectually psychologically) and your belief that it’s going to work and just do it with all your passion (#2 on the Emotional Scale). Once you confront the fear, you break through and can succeed.

Just to wrap things up in my personal example I didn’t end up selling the 20 books. But I didn’t also end up selling zero books either.
I sold somewhere in between those two numbers . But it went well, I was happy the way I was dealing with people and I had fun.

The store Customer Experience Manager was happy and we are discussing doing a book writing workshop. The result was better than my best case scenario actually in this case.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Cheri Gibson from Indigo Books Milton. She was absolutely a superstar yesterday helping me feel great having a great first day signing and was incredibly supportive in and allowing me to to learn this and helped me shine. So I’m really appreciative of all of her support. If you’re in the Milton area, drop in and go say hi to Cheri. She’s probably one of the best customer Experience Manager’s I’ve ever met.

For all your great projects, go to the worst-case scenario, keep digging make sure it’s as bad as it can be. Then look at the best case scenario and then if you can handle the worst case scenario pull the trigger do it and never look back. Just do it, remember a good decision today beats a great decision next week all the time. You get the benefit of time and experience of doing it.

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